Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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