Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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