Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
