Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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