I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
