I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
from now on my penis is your penis
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
