My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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