I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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