You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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