Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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