"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
