haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
