its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
