dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
