My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
