i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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