I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
