Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
