What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
