Acid is not a monday night drug
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
