Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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