What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
