alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
