consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
