You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
