I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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