I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
