My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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