Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
