White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
