Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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