peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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