1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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