How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
