Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
