we made out on top of his cat.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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