and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I intend to get homeless drunk
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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