So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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