My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
