There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
