How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
