There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
