New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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