hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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