like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
