there's paper in my vomit.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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