i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
