party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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