Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
