ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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