Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
