It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
